Short Parables of Hercules
by Celest
Summary: Have you ever felt the urge to read about Hercules but in a shortened way? These were designed to keep you amused.


Disclaimer and fine print: I don't own Hercules, Iolaus, Jason, Ares, or anyone else that sounds like a halfway great name. I don't own Phillipe de Rat because I saw the name once and just felt like using it so now he's a star. I created Bates as well as Celest (me) so that's all I own. If you like these stories- let me know. If you hate them, let me know as well. And these are parables created by me and not edited from anyone else's work. All concidences are concidences.  
  
  
  
The New Ares  
  
Ares woke up bored. Normally when he got like this he went and killed a few people and called it a day. But today something was strange. He didn't really feel like he needed to do it. It was more of a calling to go outside that he heard in his head. So Ares picked up himself and walked out into the woods.  
  
Now Ares never was one for real luck but it just so happened today must have been one of his luckier days. As he was walking down the path, skipping and singing songs, he came across a patch of grass with a few flowers in it. He bent down and picked a few up.  
  
"Why, I do declare! Today must be my lucky day since I have just found this patch of 4 leaf clovers", he said as he picked one up. It was really a three leaf but had a mutation from the local nuclear reactor plant- the first the world had ever knew about.  
  
So Ares walked more into town and then he heard yelling from a large building off to the side. "I wonder what on Olympus that could be?" So walking rather fast, he reached the door and opened it.  
  
There were tracks all around and cute horses in their pens. Lights were flashing and coins were dropping. "I bet I could do a lot of damage here", thought Ares as he reached into his pocket for some change. He placed a coin in a slot and pulled down on a lever. The coin dropped in and fruits began to flash on the screen. It landed on two grapes and 3 coins came out.  
  
"This seems like a man can make a killing in here without actually doing any work", he said aloud as he dropped more money in. This time it was a lemon, cherry, and slot. He didn't win anything. But something in him kept making him put more and more money in it.  
  
After a few hours, Ares realized he had put over 3 million dinars into the machines. He was not having much luck. So he deceided to go and see what could happen with the horses. He put 200 dinars on Silverfox...only to see her have a limp and loose the race. Still feeling lucky, he placed another bet on Stallion Boy. It was one of the worse things he could have done.  
  
By now everyone in the place knew Ares. They didn't all know why he was there but they knew that he was a man would was loosing all of his money. It was also apparent that he seemed to enjoy the taste of alcohol maybe a little too much. The ladies also were getting tired of punching him in the face only to have him spring up again and come after them.  
  
Finally it was time for the place to close down. Ares had spent a total of 10 hours there. That was more time then he has spent thinking up ways to get rid of Strife and Discord all together!  
  
"I am begging you- I just want to pull it one more time", cried Ares as the owner was kicking him out. Ares landed with a bump on the side of the street. He also seemed to have a hole in his wallet from where he used to have dinars.  
  
The next morning he woke up with a hangover and had a sudden urge to pull on a lever and eat fruits.  
  
So let this be a lesson to all you out there- never pick flowers and don't put them in water.  
  
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Clean-Up Crew  
  
Iolaus was in his room looking at some papers. They were mainly all from three years ago since he never cleans his room and it always looks like a pig's sty. Well, maybe not that bad but it needed a lot of work to be done to it. "Hey, Herc ol' buddy; ol' pal' would you want to help clean up your buddy's room?", asked Iolaus as he walked past Hercules.  
  
Hercules looked at Iolaus and said,"I don't even think two rivers could clean that mess up"  
  
Iolaus didn't get the rivers thing but it must have not been important. And besides, he thought it meant no and he thought right. There was no one crazy enough to want to clean up his room. Not even for a million dinars was someone going to clean that mess up.  
  
Iolaus decided to get to work on it by himself. It just so happened that Cheiron was out and about doing his routine checks when he saw Iolaus out.  
  
"That is a great idea Iolaus. A clean up crew is just what we needed around here"  
  
"Say what?!", asked Iolaus as he looked up with dust bunnies caught on his clothes and on his face.  
  
"You wanting to help clean up the whole school. I think it is a marvelous idea! Everyone should get involved in it"  
  
"Okay...whatever you say Cheiron", said Iolaus as he went back to cleaning like he had never heard it. There was actually a reason for that and it was because a dust bunny was caught in his right ear and he couldn't hear that great from it.  
  
So the next day as Iolaus is sleeping quietly under the trees, a bucket of water is poured on him. "Help! I'm drowning! Drowning!", he screamed then when he opened his eyes stopped.  
  
Everyone from the Academy was there looking at him. From the look on their faces they were not that happy seeing him.  
  
"We all got signed up for cleaning crew- because you suggested it!", they said in unison which is pretty intresting since people hardly ever do that.  
  
So they had to spend all day cleaning up around the Academy. They scrubbed the walls clean until most of them shined from being clean. The trees were all straight and proper and not one single peice of toilet paper was stuck it them! It was the cleanest the Academy had ever been in its entire life.  
  
"And now for the last thing to do- the latrines. And since you were so nice to help us do all this, Iolaus, you have the honor of cleaning them", said Jason as he thrust the sponge into Iolaus's hands.  
  
Iolaus was on his knees cleaning up the bathrooms all night. He even missed dinner which really got him mad. "Next time I think I am just going to stay with my own messy room"  
  
So remember this important advice- paper does not biodegrade in trees.  
  
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The New Chef  
  
The chef left. The cadets were hungry and Jason, Iolaus, and Hercules were in the kitchen holding Phillipe da Rat. Well, maybe the beginning would be a better place to start than the end. Or else no point in telling the story.  
  
It all began on a warm hot summer day. Everyone was bored. There was nothing to do and even doing nothing was getting boring.  
  
"Its days like this I wish Ares would try to kill me", said Hercules as he looked directly at the sun.  
  
"Its days like this I wish I was actually in that stupid palace", said Jason as he petted a strange animal.  
  
"Its days like this...I get very hungry", said Iolaus as he eyed a pear on a pear tree.  
  
The three guys looked at each other and then at the tree. A sweet suculent pear was hanging right there. All they had to do was reach over and grab it. But the question was- who was going to get to it first? They eyed each other and jumped for it.  
  
But before they could get to it, Phillipe da Rat had already taken it away and was running towards his hole in the Academy's kitchen. The guys ran after him- tripping only on their shadows every now and again.  
  
They opened the door and found Bates, their new cook, cooking up oats for their next dinner. "Ah you boys just in time. Take taste"  
  
"Uhhh...I pass", they all said as they say some weird looking vegetables floating in it. This guy was a little too weird for them to be eating food from him just now. And besides- they had a rat to catch.  
  
Bates left the room and went go do something else outside. Probably feed the pigs since he seemed to smell like one. Phillipe had hidden in his hole under the cupboard near the door.  
  
"Come out little mousey...uncle Iolie not going to hurt you", said Iolaus as he crept closer.  
  
Phillipe wasn't that dumb and moved further to the back of his hole. "Blondes really must be slow", he thought to himself in Mousese. It is a very hard language to learn.  
  
Hercules and Jason took a more logical yet dumber approach by sticking their hands into the hole. Then when the mouse tried to bite them, they felt shocked. But it had got Phillipe out the hole and he was running all around the room now.  
  
The boys chased him till they succeeded in messing up everything but not catching the rat. Funy how somethings go. By this tome Bates was coming back into the kitchen and saw the mess.  
  
Cursing at them in Russian, Bates left the kitchen never to return probably. Later it was heard he started up a good franchise named Bates Hotel...go figure.  
  
The guys ended up having to make the dinner for the entire Academy. It was not that easy to feed 300 people. And not everyone was too crazy about chicken salad. But they learned their lesson and never went searching for Phillipe again. Now Phillipe has his own spot on the table.  
  
The moral of this story is- never look directly into burning sun unless you are at least half god.  
  
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End file.
